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 Darker than Black (A Poem)

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Tobi-chan
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PostSubject: Darker than Black (A Poem)   Sat Jan 01, 2011 1:02 am

Well, because I'm feeling rather sad, here's another fail poem. Sorry I'm so bad at poetry.

Darker than Black

Bright, garish colors;
You always hated them,
And so did I

Together, we shared that hate
Perhaps it was only that
Which kept us from drifting apart

Perhaps it was only that
Which kept us alive,
During and after the long years of war

Time drew on,
Stopping and starting,
Like the heart of one who is dying

We stayed,
In the bubble we thought
Would somehow protect us from the outside world

Life doesn't work that way
We knew this;
We should've remembered this then

But we didn't
You and I,
We were different from the rest

Birds of a feather,
Two of a kind,
Soulmates

That didn't save us,
The world didn't need us;
We were just two more expendable souls

All of them,
They wanted us dead,
And that was what they got

We died hopeless;
Hopeless fools,
Lost in the presence of each other.

~Tobi~
~Sorry my punctuation fails too, but if I had my way (stupid muse), there wouldn't be any.~
~Just the story of two lovers who were caught in something bigger than either of them.~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is like thunder; powerful, confusing, wonderous, loud, inexplainable, sudden, beautiful in ways you can't even begin to describe, and completely unexpected. Death is like lightning; it strikes even the most powerful things, and shoots through the ground to everyone nearby, leaving them with only a painful aftershock.

Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes everything.

Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it.
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Rachelle41
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PostSubject: Re: Darker than Black (A Poem)   Sat Jan 01, 2011 6:05 pm

I don't know if it's right to say I liked it, but I did. Isn't it the story of life? We start out as innocents, full of life and dreams and the mistake that the world is a happy place for everyone, where everyone is loved. That fantsay lasts until about kindergarten or first grade, where you are abandoned by your parents in an alien world( or so it seems at the time) By 3rd grade, cliques start to form, resulting in the understanding that not everyone is nice to everyone else. By middle school, people start to be jealous and hate each other for stupid reasons. By high school, you get in a tif with your best friend about her boyfriend, or you get jealous of your neighbor for making the basketball team and you don't. As you see by my rambling, the world in general becomes more than we can handle very quickly. Some people also believe that once you find true love, the world goes back to being a safe haven, and your marrige and the rest of your life will be perfect. That is also a very, very stupid fantasy to entertain. Your spouse may cheat on you, once your kids come along, your life may become a nightmare. The world is much bigger than we can handle, and so is love, and sometimes, so is life. So your poem is raw honesty, something we need more of in the world.
-Rachelle41 I love you
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PostSubject: Re: Darker than Black (A Poem)   Sat Jan 01, 2011 7:02 pm

Hm. It was sad. It was no written to the best of your ability. But it was good. It was okay. It was fine. Never start out doubting your poetry like that. When you start that way, you're saying 'I think my own poetry stinks right now, so go ahead and tell me its awfull, I'm telling the world that anyways'. Tobi, that is not you. No matter how bad you think this poem is, you should try to improve it, re-read it, change what you think needs changing, and make it into a brilliant work of art that shows how creative and amazing you are. This poem expresses war and sadness, but how being together can lighten the mood and brighten the day. It describes love during war, when hate is swirling around, but they're ignoring it, hiding in a bubble that really won't keep everything out, but keep their love in. What comes to my mind is two Jewish lovers in WWIII. I don't know why, but that's what this poems makes me see. And I don't EVER plan on seeing a message on the top of one of your poems saying that it isn't good AGAIN. Understood? Very Happy


Last edited by Luv2Type on Sat Jan 01, 2011 9:02 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : I accidently said the wrong name. Sorry!)
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PostSubject: Re: Darker than Black (A Poem)   Sun Jan 02, 2011 12:46 am

I know, I know, Luv-chan, it's just in my nature to constantly doubt myself. I guess that way I'm not disappointed; sorta like I'm protecting myself. Also, I don't have much of an affinity for "proper" poetry, and I only ever bother writing it when I'm sad. Well, I wasn't really sad, but I kept thinking of something sad, and this idea just wouldn't leave me. When I can (my computer has a virus right now DX) I'll try to improve it, though.
And that's actually a great analogy, Luv-chan, although what I was thinking of was more the opposite. In WWII terms, they were like two...well, not Nazis, but soldiers, who were trapped in an organization they couldn't get out of. The organization saw them as pawns, however, and in the end they both died, 'cause that's just how it was. In a way, I guess it was like they were a part of the Nazi party. Once they got in for whatever personal reason, they couldn't get out, y'know?
XD Well. I'll try not to write (failure) negative things at the top of my poetry. Even if it's...just maybe, possibly, a little, teensy bit true...XD
~Tobi~
~Actually, Luv-chan, your analogy is better. XD~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is like thunder; powerful, confusing, wonderous, loud, inexplainable, sudden, beautiful in ways you can't even begin to describe, and completely unexpected. Death is like lightning; it strikes even the most powerful things, and shoots through the ground to everyone nearby, leaving them with only a painful aftershock.

Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes everything.

Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it.
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PostSubject: Re: Darker than Black (A Poem)   Sun Jan 02, 2011 3:36 pm

I suddenly realized that I don't know why this is called Darker Than Black. I mean, nothing wrong with that, but most of the time titles help us realize what the poem will be about. Your title does describe the situation, but it was not actually in the poem itself. Was it because of the first stanza:

Bright, garish colors;
You always hated them,
And so did I

That's the opposite of black (note, garish is spelled graish I think) so it could be one clue to the title. And the fact that war and murder are both extremely dark things also give clues, but as I said before, no actually verse. Which is fine, I guess, but I suggest when you do revise this to put the title in it or change the title. Sometimes the right title is the last thing to come, so try to really get the feel of the poem before naming it. Other than that, I'm done here.
Love,
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