Beauty Is Only Skin Deep, part 1

Dear Diary,
Today was yet another new day at school. This time we moved to Los Angles, California, which is pretty exciting, even though I'm so sick of moving. I already hate at least 80% of the student body, the female student body, anyway. 100% of them are so beautiful I feel like I might cry. 99% are evil, .9% are okay, and .1% is trustworthy and friend worthy. I'm just a plain Jane, nice girl who is honest and tryies to be nice to everybody, however, apperently girls in L.A. will hate you for that. I don't see how I pose a threat. I have straight blond hair with hazel eyes, and no tan. I don't dress like a fasionista or act nasty. I told mom, but she said that sometimes beauty is only skin deep. I've never understood that saying unitl now. The only nice AND pretty girl here is Joyce Brown, who is what I call a new celebrity. She just moved here, and she said her father works as an A&R man and makes T.V. shows. What an A&R person is, I have no earthly idea. But creating T.V shows is definatly cool. She said her dad's not married, and is dating someone. I wish I had asked who, but she seemed really uncomfortable when I asked her, so I just let it go. One other good thing about this place is that I can go out on out small balcony and see the ocean. Dad says I was born to be a swimmer, so I'm glad we live near water. I really hope that this will be the place that my parents don't get sick of. If I can switch to a better scholl with Joyce, have my parents get along, and join the swim team, life would be perfect. And if I was pretty. As long as it wasn't only skin deep.

As long as it wasn't only skin deep.

I like it. Oh, I was hoping that would say 'quote' by it, cause I copied and pasteded it off of yours. But it's really ncie and I think she sounds/looks pretty.
I hope that wasn't useless Cheez!
Love,
Luv

Wow! That was beautiful! It sounds like something Luv would write. I actually confused you for her for a second. But that was just amazing! Bravo! I beg you to write more!
~Nikki

O-K, I'm gonna rag on ya' for your grammar, and then I'm going to compliment how awesome this piece is. Sound okay? XD I really like it, and it sounds like something I might read. As long as you have plenty of mean-girl drama, and this girl is dynamic enough to grow a backbone, we'll be good.

Okay, "though I'm so sick of moving," doesn't sound as good as it could. Perhaps,"even though I'm really sick of moving," or just, "even though I'm sick of moving,". "I already hate at least 80% of the student body, the female student body, anyway," is gramatically incorrect. You need a semicolon ( ; ) between body and the. Like, "body; the,". A semicolon is a great way to combine two independent clauses without overusing "and" or "but", or any of the other fanboys. "100% of them are so beautiful I feel like I might cry," just doesn't flow very well. Perhaps, "100% of them are so beautiful it makes me feel like crying my eyes out," or something. XD That's not too great either, but hey, just go with the flow~

Then, "I'm just a plain Jane, a nice girl who tries to be kind to everyone; however, apparently (spelling!) girls in L.A. will hate you for that." A-parent-ly. Just to help you remember, think of the "parent" in the middle. "Until now," a minor typo. "Joyce Brown, who's what I call a new celebrity." Try to use more contractions, it helps things flow better. "I have no earthly clue what an A&R person is, but creating T.V. shows is DEFINITELY cool." You just need some better phrasing there. And, TO ALL OF YOU GUYS, one thing I notice is how you spell "DEFINITELY." It isn't defiantly (that's a synonym for "rebelliously") or definatly. Or any variation. It is d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y. Definite. With an -ly at the end.

And ya' got a little contradiction here: "I WISH I had asked who, but she seemed really uncomfortable WHEN I ASKED HER,". So you wished you had asked, but you actually did ask...? Nonono, Elle-chan. But you don't need to change the whole sentence, you just need to change a few words. Try, "I wish I had asked who, but she seemed really uncomfortable when I pressed the matter, so I just let it go."

Final paragraph! Yaaay~! "I really hope this will be the place my parents don't get sick of." That just doesn't FLOW. Make the sentence flow like one of those pretty little streams that people write poems about. "I really hope this will be the one place my parents don't get sick of." Isn't that better already? Just one tiny little adjective can improve a whole sentence. "switch to a better SCHOOL," I do believe that was a typo...and to keep with the tense, say, "And if I'm pretty," because by that point you've switched over to present tense. Oh, backing up a bit, "life WILL be perfect," unless you change the, "If I can," to, "If I could,". If you choose the keep the, "If I can," change the final sentence to, "As long as it isn't only skin deep." I think you should change it to present tense, but then again, I'm not so good with the tenses...It just sounds better.

Now, this piece is really, really good. I'm just awesome at what I do...namely, critical editing...These are just things that will help make your writing even better~ I love the idea and I love the characters, Elle-chan~!

~Tobi~

Thanks, Tobi. You can always use some conductave critisim. I'm probaly one of the worst spellers in the world, and you'll probably get sick of correcting me. I know that was really heart felt and that you want me to be the best i can be, and I really appreciate you for that. If I can make my writing better in any way, just let me know, and that includes everyone who is reading this. Feel free to give me critisim anytime, as long as it has some positive, like Tobi's. Anyway, thanks again!
-Rachelle41

Maybe you should start typing the stuff into Word so that it can correct you with spell check (though that stupid little thing can get annoying). It would probably help. And read what you've written! That helps too.
Love,
Luv