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 Beauty Is Only Skin Deep, part 4

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Do You Want This Author To Continue With This Story?
A) She has to write more! I love it!
29%
 29% [ 2 ]
B) If she does keep writing, she'll need some conductive critisim.
71%
 71% [ 5 ]
C) She shouldn't have started to write this story in the first place!
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 7
 

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Rachelle41
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PostSubject: Beauty Is Only Skin Deep, part 4   Sat Sep 18, 2010 4:48 pm

Dear Diary,
It's been a week since I met Joyce's dad, and I'm still somewhat dumbfounded. She hadn't brought it up at lunch, so I did. I said " It's so cool that you dad is Simon Cowell. I just have one question. Who's your mom?" She met my eyes with the fiercest look of pain I've ever seen. "My paerents are dead. He adopted me about 2 weeks before school started." I looked at her, and i could see the how absolutely painful this was to talk about. However, before I could say anything else, the bell rang. She was out of her seat in a flash, and I didn't talk to her again all day. I don't know what to tell her to make up for it. What can you tell your new best friend when you find out her parents are dead? Well, she probably doesn't want to be my best friend anymore. All I did was ask 1 question, and it has but Joyce's and I relationship at total odds. I really wish that I hadn't asked, but sometimes you just have to ask a question, and that was one of those times. I didn't tell mom or dad, beacuse if Joyce didn't want to tell me, her new best friend, then she probably doesn't total (to her) strangers to know. How does she live with a new father? how does she cope with calling him 'dad' when he's not her birth father? They don't seem to get along the best, and you can tell they don't love each other in a father-daughter way. Plus, I've heard Simon is dating. Now that would be really freaky. First you loose your parents, then you get adopted by a man that is, like, 50 years old and dating. Disgusting. I don't even want to write anymore.
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NikkiSwift
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PostSubject: Re: Beauty Is Only Skin Deep, part 4   Sat Sep 18, 2010 9:12 pm

I like how it's piecing all together. But when you bring up the conversation about Joyce's father, it's a bit too quick. I think you should have given Joyce some time in between to have responded back to Victoria. I thought it was just a bit quick, but it was really good. I would have written it like;
There was a moment of silence that seemed to drag on for hours at a time, but then finally she turned to face me and met my eyes with the fiercest look of pain I've ever seen. "My parents are dead. He adopted me about 2 weeks before school started."
Or, ya know, something like that I guess. But I'm loving this series so far. Keep going!!

~Swifty
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Luv2Type
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PostSubject: Re: Beauty Is Only Skin Deep, part 4   Sun Sep 19, 2010 1:09 pm

It's okay. I mean, it doesn't sound like a real diary. AND you have typo's again. You really need to work on that. You have 'but' instead of 'put', which made it really hard to read. I suggest re-reading what you type and putting in in Word to. You want people to understand what you write. And make it more like a diary, as if this girl is truly writing in a book that no one will see. Give it some soul! That Simon Cowell thing is cool though and that's probably how a teenager would feel. Really work!
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NikkiSwift
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PostSubject: Re: Beauty Is Only Skin Deep, part 4   Tue Sep 21, 2010 6:23 pm

Luv's right! It doesn't exactly sound like a diary, but it could pass as one. Here's a suggestion. You know how Tobi switches from one person's view to another's? You could try that and switch to Joyce's point of view, or switch it up by doing a diary, then third-person. Just a suggestion. I like the beginning, it just makes it seem a little more real. Watch your spelling, though, too.
~Swifty
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