How (I don't know if I'll change the title. I might. I don't know, but I had to make this longer).

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom. Some say it was Narnia, others claim it’s the Fairy Realm and both things exist, true, but I’m talking about another place. Tyrina was in a secret place at a secret time and it was full of secret people, so I can’t really tell you anything except the main character who really wasn’t that important to the land of Tyrina. Her name was Scarlett of the Rainbow and her mother was Crimson of the Rainbow, so the name Scarlett was not a big deal. For as long as anyone in all of Tyrina knew, Crimson’s family had always aided in making the red stripe of the rainbow. All of their names had some sort of meaning that led back to red. Red rose, red warrior, all of it. But that’s all I can tell you, because Scarlett’s life isn’t really mine for the telling.
“Name her Akako.”
“No.”
“Crimson.”
“Shush. Look at her. Akako just isn’t right.”
“Have you ever seen a red child with golden hair like that? Now, I know yellow children sometimes are born with such, but a red?”
“I don’t care. I’m naming her Scarlett.”
“Scarlett. Yes. I do believe that will be fine. Excellent choice Crimson.”
“Thank you doctor. Now, I would be pleased if you left in the next few minutes. As you said, Scarlett will need rest and I do as well.”
“Of course, of course. And congratulations. Red children are important you know.”
“All colors are. But thank you.”
The mother and babe fell asleep as soon as the door closed. And I must tell you something before we flash to the present. Scarlett, like all red babies, could hear things quite easily. But hers came early and she knew everything her mother and the doctor had said. Which is extraordinary if you ask me. But just like her life isn’t mine for the telling, your decisions aren’t mine for the making.
Everything about our ocean excites me. The clear, light blue color, the wonderful sound it makes, the refreshing waves that splash over you and soak you down to the bone. I’ve always wondered where it ends. Is there another girl in another land on the other side, wondering about it like I am? Is her name Scarlett too or is she another color? Blue maybe? Oh, she might be jealous if she’s violet.
“Scarlett! Your mother’s calling you!”
I hop off the warm beach rock and run for home. If Mother calls more than three times for me and I don’t answer, she’ll start panicking. Then she’ll get mad that I made her panic and send me to go pick blackberries in Orphee’s grove. Whenever I get into trouble, she sends me there. I guess it isn’t horrible all the time, like at noon when small amounts of sunlight break through the trees, but most of the time it’s dark and creepy. Luckily for me, Mother is beginning her third call when she sees me.
“Scarlett Bareket Redson! I almost panicked about you.”
“I know. And I’m sorry. You see, I was at the ocean-”
“Again? The way you go to that place, people probably think you’re a blue. Now come help me.”
“Yes ma’am.”

I'm sorry, Luv, but I'm going to be a bad boy today. Not because you're work is bad. In fact you're idea is so awesome I'm scared I'll steal it without even knowing it one day. Seriously. Original. Unlike me who realized his 'great novel' is Ben10: Secrets of the Omnitrix redone. Seriously, the name of my novel is Secrets of the Bolt! Or at least it was >.>

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Okay, first thing's first. There are some things you need to learn now before you even go on. This isn't a review of your work, it's just rules that should be etched in stone. After I've done this I'll go through your story underlining one of the points and I'll leave it to you to figure out what I meant. Double check with the list.

SPACING:
It is vitally important your work is readable. And let me tell you that this isn't a publishing company, people really don't mind spelling mistakes. They're cute, even when you're 24. But spacing is the thing that makes us nod away at our kid brother's 'great progress in literacy'. You don't know where something ends or begins. Let me start with an example:

Quote :

I hop off the warm beach rock and run for home. If Mother calls more than three times for me and I don’t answer, she’ll start panicking. Then she’ll get mad that I made her panic and send me to go pick blackberries in Orphee’s grove. Whenever I get into trouble, she sends me there. I guess it isn’t horrible all the time, like at noon when small amounts of sunlight break through the trees, but most of the time it’s dark and creepy. Luckily for me, Mother is beginning her third call when she sees me.

Here you skipped from third person to first person. THE ONLY REASON I realized that was because you kept saying it's not your story to tell. Every new paragraph should be spaced like this review is. A paragraph is an idea, seperate from the others that works together to form a piece. They're not conjoined children.

NAMES
Unless it's really well hidden, names should almost never be puns if they're just extensions or variations of a name. I'm glad to report you did this with style. Redson? Perfect. Scarlett's her name? Awesome (But why did you have to explain that!?!!?) What I really want to say about names is that nobody cares about them. Does Percy Jackson have a middle name? Does Phillip Pirrip from Great Expectations have a middle name? Does Luke Skywalker? Does my best friend? The reason people are given middle names is for their parents to honour people, plain fact. It's also something to preserve heritage in that, for example, someone like me has a first name (English) and a second name (Ethnic). My second name's taken after my maternal grandfather so even in that matter, my parents didn't technically give me a middle name. If my son has a middle name (I don't plan on keeping up the family chain of naming after grandparents) then it'll be Thomas - my favorite teacher ever. Or Immanuel - God is with us. Not because that's their name, but so that they can turn out like that. It's a crazy fact that parents like, but it's worked before (Usain Bolt, Mike Shuttleworth... they're called Aptronyms - Google it) Now... what's Baraket. If it's a shade of red, it's like an eight degree colour (Mixture of eight different colour). It's like debating whether to by a handkerchief in ecru or beige? It's like... what the heck? (Those are the same, but perhaps there's a slight difference). That's why we use light-brown. It's fine to use colours in line with Maroon, but giving a special name to R- 57 G - 42 and B - 75, is just overkill (enter it in paint's custom colour selector)

(I want you to take into account how daunting the above block of text it. I didn't space on purpose

CONFIDENCE
You started it out as a 3rd person narrator, ended it in 1st. That's confusing, but not a sin so I'm not gonna talk about that. What I will talk about is your 2nd Person. 2nd Person is when you talk to the reader, actually. Very few people have used it, so it presents fresh ground to write from. But one of the reasons they don't use it is what I like to call... The Couch Trap!

So your best friend's coming over for a while and you guys are just chatting. She wants to explain algebra to you, and since she's a Math enthusiast she always talks as if she's writing with brackets everywhere. So... "Algebra is where you substitute a letter for a number (I'll tell you later why)(Did I tell you it comes from the Arab world. It's originall Al Jabir. Oh my gosh, do you know how smart Indians are?) For example, instead of 5 - 2 which we know to be 5 + (-2) (and that's equal to 3) we might say 5 - X or 5 + (-2)."

That was extremely round-about. You know how to subtract and you can figure out from that Arabs and Indians invented al gebra that they must be really good mathemeticians. You continuously and forever butt in as the narrator, saying it's not your story. If you're bent on doing that, give the narrator a personality. In other words, 'Yeah it's not your story. Wait... who are YOU?!'

You drew our attention to the narrator, even though you were trying to shrug it off.

Round-About
Have you ever heard of the Show, don't Tell principle. Perhaps the most famous in writing. Let me illustrate it for you.

Quote :

If someone ever told you Peter Parker was an ordinary teen... someone lied. He has spider powers, and can shoot webs, stick to walls. He uses them to fight crime as the hero... Spiderman.

Impressive? No. Not at all. That's telling the story. Here's showing it:

(You can just scan)

Quote :

Peter Parker raced through the street. The criminal shot at him but the boy simply shrugged his body to the left. He fell, he rolled and once again was on his feet, albeit skidding into a wall. He'd lost time with that stunt and the criminal was already in his get-away car. It was barely a minute later that Parker was scaling the wall. That's right, with his bare hands.

Acrobatically jumping from roof to roof, the boy eventually caught up with the vehicle. He jumped off the edge of one of the buildings and pressed his fingers to the palm of his hand. There was a slick sound and suddenly, Peter wasn't falling anymore. A strong, elegant, white strand of spider webbing supported him, almost fifteen storeys up. Parker pursued.

They were getting away from the city, and if they did that, there was no way he could catch up. He swung, ever trying to increase the arc of his swing. Eventually he let go of his webs. He free-fell as a trapeze artist, with only the ability of shooting web to keep him from hitting the ground at full speed.

Parker hit the ground at full speed. He used his arms as springs and rocketed forward at speeds no man should've been able to reach. In any case, he wasn't a man. Not all the way, anyway. Parker's feet connected with the car and he stuck to it like glue. He raised his fists and punched the roof in, before leaning over and knocking the driver senseless.

The car skid and swerved. Pedestrians had cleared the way save for one little girl. The car horn sounded but the girl stood against the backdrop of red brick, wide-eyed and barely twitching. Peter leapt off the car and stuck to the wall above her. He touched his middle fingers to his palm and a strand of web shot out, grabbing the girl by her arm. Using all his strength, he pulled her up and she flew into the air and into his arms as the car smashed into the wall.

After it was all said and done, a small crowd had gathered and they began clapping cheering as Peter slowly let the child down to her mother by webline. They were cheering and clapping, but for whom they knew not. In the reflection of a nearby window, Parker saw himself clothed in the red spandex with the web motif that he'd made just a few weeks ago. [i] Sewing class definetely comes in handy [/u] he thought.

Peter waved to the crowd as he mentally checked off the last few items in his list. Just one more thing to do on the path to herodom, he needed a name. "Mommy, the spiderman saved me!"

Underneath his mask, Peter smiled. He webbed off and thought to himself, [i] Spiderman... that'll work.

The reason the second is better is because...
... you get to show off your crazy awesome writer skills (and all that creativity in your brain. Luv!)
... it's more capitvating and the reader's less likely to yawn. Only thing I didn't do right was put something at risk for Spidey. Otherwise it would've been OWNAGE!
... it makes your piece longer! (Picture writing a novel using the format of the first example. Ten chapters. Then change to the second example for each point, write a little scene. Like... 30 chapters of awesome ideas! And that, my friend, is how the novel is born. Create an idea and tell it in a synospsis - Peter is a teen with spider-powers. And then show it in a scene. Add a theme and some characters. Poof. All that's left is to write it well)

--------------- Those are the main content points ----------------- They are way more important than what I'm about to say below ---------------

This part is the shaky bit of my review. I'm just going to say what I thought of it. Chillax from here on out.

Firstly, why must everybody be red. Do you have any idea how hard that is to visualize? What happens with the yellows? Perhaps you could just do it for their eyes and hair... and maybe a tattoo or something? JUST AN IDEA/SUGGESTION

------------- I'll be back/or not if you're happy with this. Had to eat while I was writing this. God Bless, TheNewHero --------------------------

Hero, calling people reds or yellows just shows what stripe of the ranbow they make. To show it publicly they have a matching t-shirt and tennis shoes (couldn't picture anything else). If you're a red, then your t-shirt and tennis shoes are red. If you aid in making the blue stripe of the rainbow, then your t-shirt and tennis shoes are blue. Get it? And thanks for the advice. I'll try (maybe). I turned it into an SB now anyways. But thanks!
Love,
Luv