Romantic!!

A romantic, sappy, adorable scene written by future Broadway star, GRACE1096!!!
Just so you all know, this is a scene between two Georgian middle school characters, Rita and Hunter. Rita wants to move with her dad to Hollywood to follow her dreams of being a big STAR! Hunter, her best guy friend, there confesses his love for her. Awww… I wish this was ME!

(Rita runs excitedly into her best friend, Hunter’s, house where he is sitting on the couch reading)
Rita: Hunter! Hunter! Hunter! You’ll NEVER EVER EVER guess what just happened!
Hunter: Um… You found out about the Glee marathon tomorrow night?
Rita: WHAT?! A GLEE MARATHON?! OH MY GOD!! Wait, NO! That’s not it!
Hunter: (Sarcastically) Well, what could be better than that?
Rita: (Jumping up and down rapidly) Ever since my parents got divorced, my dad has been looking for a new job and house. And guess where he just got a job? GUESS, Hunter!!!!
Hunter: Smoothie King?
Rita: Hahaha! NO! Hollywood! He is going to be a robotics technician for action movies, and he invited me to live there with him! This could be my chance! To finally become what I’ve always dreamed of! A big movie star! We are leaving on Friday!
Hunter: Wait, what? That’s only 3 days from now!
Rita: I know! I’ll have to pack non-stop until then, but the sooner I get there the better. I mean, you know how long I have dreamed of going to Hollywood and getting discovered! I have been taking singing, dance, and acting lessons since, what? 2nd grade?
Hunter: (Still in shock) 1st grade actually… Um… But… I… So you’re leaving, just like that?
Rita: Well ya! Like, I can finish the school year up in California! What’s wrong, aren’t you excited?
Hunter: Of course I’m excited for you, Rita! But, what about me? California is so far away? We have been friends since kindergarten! (Throwing down his book) How can you just pack up and leave?!
Rita: (Shocked at Hunter’s aggression) Hunter… I… I just figured… We can still talk on the phone! And email! Why are you so upset?
Hunter: (Frustrated, pacing the room) Gosh, Rita… I’m… Sorry, it’s just… UGH!
Rita: What? What is it?
Hunter: I LOVE YOU!
Rita: (Taken aback) Hunter… I… Really?
Hunter: Yes Rita! I love you! I always have! I love your laugh, your smile, your voice, your smell, I even love the way you tell me to leave you alone when you are angry! And when you are sad, I am sad. When you cry, I feel like my heart is being torn apart. I would do anything for you. If you wanted the moon, I’d get it for you! I have been to all of your shows and recitals, and when I see you on that stage, I am so thankful that you are mine. My beautiful, talented, drama queen. Even if we are simply friends, I am just glad that I get the chance to be near you all the time. Now that you are leaving, I just don’t know what I am going to do. You are a part of me. How can I let you go?
Rita: (Beginning to cry) Hunter, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know you felt this way. Why did you never tell me?
Hunter: I don’t know… You were always so worked up with your musical theatre stuff, I just figured… I t would be a distraction for you. I could never keep you from what you love. Which is why I AM happy for you, it’s just… I’ll miss you. So much.
Rita: Oh, Hunter. I… I’ll miss you too.
Hunter: (Nodding) Thank you. You really should get packing. I’ll… I’ll see you before you leave, OK?
Rita: Ya. Oh, Hunter. I’m so sorry.
Hunter: (Trying to smile) Oh, don’t be. I am so glad you get to follow your dreams. And you’re right, we can keep in touch.
Rita: I promise to email you all the time. Every day. And when I become famous, I’ll visit you and take you on a ride in my private jet!
Hunter: Hahaha! That would be great. How about you come over tomorrow night and we can watch that Glee marathon of yours together?
Rita: Hunter, I know you hate Glee. You are always talking about how fat Finn is.
Hunter: I know. And he is. But if it makes you happy, it makes me happy too.
Rita: (Smiling) OK. Thanks. And Finn isn’t fat.
Hunter: (Laughing) Whatever you say. Goodbye, love.
Rita: Bye.

Looksie, Grace-pyon~! I've finally gotten around to this~! XD I have too much time on my hands today, after all...

Well, then! Let's get to work~... Overall, Grace-pyon, this IS really sappy. Perfect for a soap opera, I believe. Now, it's not my style of romance, but it does fit the genre perfectly. Which is what concerns me. While this would be good for a soap opera, which many people are interested in, it does lack unique qualities. As a screenwriter, if you want to catch a producer or director's eye, you've got to make it something special. Otherwise, it'll just be another soap!

Now, grammar-wise, scripts are rarely incorrect, because most people do not use perfect grammar when speaking. All the same, spelling is of vital importance as a writer. Where Rita says, "You know how long I have dreamed of going to Hollywood and getting discovered!" You might want to emphasize know, and make I have "I've" so it's less formal. In fact, overall, you should probably use more conjunctions, such as "We're" in the sentence after that. Middle schoolers are usually less formal when talking, so you really have to nail this when writing a script. The idea is to capture the character perfectly, and the way they speak is a huge part of that. PLEASE keep this in mind, throughout the entire script. It seems to be a continuous issue...

Hunter should say "First grade, actually...". Mind the comma...And I know this is a controversial sort of thing, but instead of "ya", you should probably say, "yeah,". It's more correct. "Ya" is more of an abbreviation of "you," rather than an acknowledgement of consent. "You are a part of me," sounds about right, but abbreviating "you are" with "you're" for the rest of it would sound better. "I just figured...IT would be better for you," there's a space between the "i" and the "t" in "It". "Yeah," remember the "yeah," rather than the, "ya". "Ok" can a be either "ok," or, "okay," I don't think it particularly matters. You could even say, "'Kay," if you wanted to.

This IS pretty good, though, and your grammar's pretty much perfect. Just one or two typos, and some rather controversial words...DX That "ya", though, that's one of my pet peeves. Sorry if I was too brutal...But I'm being as honest as possible!

X3 This is cute, though. Very well written. It is a bit of a cliched piece of plot, and a very typical romantic relationship, but it's very, very good, Grace-pyon~!

~Tobi~

XD For a while there, I couldn't figure out if it was actually called a conjunction or what, but I think that's the term...At least, I'm PREEETTY sure...

Holy crud, that was good! I love a good love story. Oooh~! Even more with a tragic ending~! It's a suggestion but it would be so wicked if like, one of the characters gets seriously injured, or even killed! Example:

Sibling: Rita, why are you writing Hunter those stupid letters when you have your cell right there?

Rita: Hunter and I decided it would be more romantic. Two lovers torn apart by family, desperately trying to stay together with a simple piece of paper.

Sibling: Jeez. Hollywood has gotten inside your head. THIS IS REAL LIFE! Not some stupid Shakespeare play.

Dad (turns around in car seat to face girls while driving): Stop quarreling! Or your both grounded! *FILL IN THE BLANK*, stop annoying your sister!

*Rita's dad's phone rings*

*Dad desperately tries to avoid cars while reaching into his *man purse*

Rita: Dad your gonna get us killed!

Dad: Be quiet! I'm driving, 'member??!!

*car collides with a minivan and flips over*

SCENE 2

Hunter: I haven't heard from Rita yet.......

Hunter's Mom: (tears in eyes with red face) HUNTER! Hunter! I'm s----so--sorr-y.

Hunter: MOM! Spit it out!

Mom: It's about Rita! She-sh-she's gone.......

Hunter: WHAT!?!?!?!? GONE AS IN LEFT THE STATE!? DISAPPEARED?!?

Mom: D-d-d-dead......

*Hunter sits there with mouth open, then falls to floor, as if frozen*

XDD Sorry, I couldn't help it. Great work!
~Nikki

Oh my gosh Nikki, that's horrific! Couldn't you have the rest of her family die and then she gets to live with Hunter? I mean, that's romantic and tragic. Oh well, Grace will do what she wants.
Grace, it's AMAZING. Needs so more stuff to be a full piece, but you're on the mega right track. I really like it, it's romantic and tragidy seems to almost always add to love stories. Just look at Romeo and Juliet! Keep going! I want to here the rest you add to it soon (if you have the time).
Love,
Luv

She should die. Yeah.

It's a contraction. Now I feel like dying. But yeah, killing the family's been done before. How cliched is that? Kill the girl and let the guy take the heat. That's how it should be done.

~Tobi~