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Arrow
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PostSubject: Last words   Sat Jan 29, 2011 12:26 am

I'm sorry
you're getting this now
But if your heart is with me then I know you'll know how

Only yesterday,
my light began to go out
and the light inside your eyes seemed to know
how

I'm too tired to evade my shadow
daunting forever
Hell! I'm no coward!
Finally, i turn my life a- round


If only I could've seen your laughter
you're smile is with me and forever and after
honestly, I would've turned this side around

It was probably several
times I died today
and when heart is done my soul will blow away


cuz I'm too late to turn stakes for my capture
only I wish I'd seen your bright laughter
finally this is my fnal grooooouuuuuund
finally I'll turn my tide around



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PostSubject: Re: Last words   Sat Jan 29, 2011 6:57 pm

[color=red]ow"
I'm sorry
you're getting this now
But if your heart is with me then I know you'll know how Why is there no puncuation? I'm pretty sure that you want there to be a pause between stanza's. If so PUNCUATION! Only yesterday,
my light began to go out
and the light inside your eyes seemed to know
how How? As in, whoever is Light Eyes, can tell why your light is going out? It that why that one little word is there? I like how it makes the stanza's look so cool and different, but I don't see why you had to put it there. NOTE: PUNCUATION IS YOU WANT A PAUSE!!!! I'm too tired to evade my shadow Evading your shadow, I'm guessing, means that you can't evade the dark side of yourself. Correct?daunting forever Daunting? I think 'haunting' would be a much better word to use. Hell! I'm no coward! I don't like the cuss word, but since it's not prohibited on Wonderland, all I can do is voice a little complaint. And finally! Puncuation! Finally, i turn my life a- round Cap the 'i'. You are a proper noun, so when talking about oneself, 'i' needs to be capitilized. I like the dash, creating a delicious little skip. Where is your puncuation? I dont' want to be a puncuation nazi, but it really is important, though once you become a serious poet, you make up your own rules. Still, its good to keep puncuation in there.
If only I could've seen your laughter Note to Arrow: You cannot see laughter. But I know what you mean. It makes you feel as though teh author and Light Eyes are truely in love and cheer each other up everyday. Which is what I infer here anyways. SO sweet. you're smile is with me and forever and after How sweet? Saying someones smile is with them for 'forever and after' is wonderful! Most people say 'forever and always', but hey, its good to be different. honestly, I would've turned this side around Side? Okay, I'm getting confused now. What side? The dark side (aka that shadow we talked about earlier)? Thank you for the comma, but again, PUNCUATION. It was probably several Probably could have said these two lines differently. times I died today 'I died today, several times' is better English, but, I must admitt, not as poetic.and when heart is done my soul will blow away Uhhh, you forgot your 'my' before heart. And NO PUNCUATION! Oh, I can't stress it enough.


cuz I'm too late to turn stakes for my capture Should there be a 'the' before capture? And you should say 'cause' or 'because', not 'cuz'. And it should be capitilized.only I wish I'd seen your bright laughter I love this. Its so sweet and romantic and perfectly poetic. Though I can suggest a comma.finally this is my fnal grooooouuuuuund Forgot your 'i' in final. And why ground? I understand you needed a rhyming word, and its okay, but I think 'stop' or something would have been better.finally I'll turn my tide around
This whole stanza is beautifully. It's like a sing. 'Tide' it an excellent descriptive word. NO PUNCUATION! Please remember that.
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