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 I'll B waiting

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Arrow
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PostSubject: I'll B waiting   Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:42 am

"Maria," the voice an eerie sigh to my sensitive ears.
It was a dark day in the rain. Everything was a gray fog, like an opaque blanket of frost and wet, hot winds.My feet whispered against the ground as the trudged block after block to my house. When you live in Montana it's like a ghost town...... Everywhere. I trudged through the mist not stopping to listen for the answering echo of footsteps behind me. More footsteps echoed and anxiety peaked as I realized being followed and finally a hand on my shoulder ended the suspense.
"Maria," said the silky voice behind me. I turned to stare into the eyes blue eyed boy's eyes. The first thought in my mind were,'How could anyone be so beautiful?' He was the pure incarnation of sunlight. His light starstruck hair was almost lighter than sand, and his skin seemed to radiate light. He smiled at me flashing dazzlingly white teeth.
"I was waiting for you," he scolded playfully," I almost didn't see you in the mist." As if my confusing was plastered on my face (which it probably was) he repeated,"I was waiting for you. don't your remember Maria?" I could see he was waiting for the idea to dawn but nothing came therefore nothing was
"Maria," he said in that whispering caressing voice. He stepped toward me taking my hands and pulling me close to him in one smooth gesture. His eyes dotted with concern, he breathed one last question into my ear," Don't you remember me?"
All at once I realized I didn't know anything, Except maybe that it was Montana and that I cared for this boy more then my life. Which seemed ridiculously incurable. My mind just sighed in defeat instead of rebelling, like I almost wanted it to. I re focused on the eyes of my blue eyed boy.
My boy. I suppressed a small smile. His eyes were watered yet deep thought processes were going o behind his intense blue gaze. Suddenly he took me off guard , bringing his hands to my face and pulling me into his kiss.

His kiss was like kindling a fire while laying in snow. My awareness of him , his hands, his face, the closeness of his body was like an electric fire running up and down my spine. However his eyes and lips were cool to the touch sending a cool breeze rushing across my skin.

My daze lasted for a minute after we separated and already he was looking into my eyes intensely searching them for what I guessed was a shred of who he wanted to me to be . I wanted too, so much, to be who he wanted to be. Finally he broke our silence.

"You still love me," he said my like a statement than a question.
"Yes," I replied slightly hesitant. I realized the truth in my mind. " I love you very ,much."






I hope ya like! Just felt like a love story ya know? Make of it what you will. I hit a wall after the ending any suggestions?


Last edited by Arrow on Tue Dec 28, 2010 6:27 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: I'll B waiting   Tue Dec 28, 2010 5:28 pm

That sounds so sweet! The way you describe everything is wonderful. However, when you say 'I turned to stare into the eyes of a blue eyed boy', it doesn't sound right. You could just say 'I turned to stare into the blue eyes of a boy'. Sounds better, doesn't it? In several areas I think you got your words mixed up because they didn't seem to be in the right order, but the correct words were there. Remember to read over what you write so you can make sure its ready for posting. The suspense and mystery in this is wonderful. A short story with a whole mystery spinning around it. The thoughts in her head only confuse the reader more-which is like a good thing for this story. Excellent job.
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PostSubject: Re: I'll B waiting   Tue Dec 28, 2010 6:29 pm

Thanks luv! That means a lot and thank you for the advice. I'll work on that.
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