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Arrow
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PostSubject: dragons duel   Fri Dec 24, 2010 1:54 pm

White dragon flies
with grace and love
with light and sky
for the heavens above

Black dragon soars
with a beauty unmatched
a fierceness unheard
with the demon of sky
for the dungeon below

The fire is burning
the clash of claws and gnashing of teeth
Screech!!!!
bang!!
whoosh!!!

The battle rages on blood spills
that of each dragon
the white streak goes down
the black dragon roars triumphant
but not for long


the gold dragon flies
for love and hope
his glittering scales
a symbol of all that is right


his fire is green
it sears the old world
brings forth the new one

he sears the black dragon
the black dragon falls to the claws of justice
the gold dragon roars his triumph
he roars his mourning
to the white and black dragon
life was lost
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PostSubject: Re: dragons duel   Fri Dec 24, 2010 6:30 pm

Quote :
White dragon flies
with grace and love
with light and sky
for the heavens above Cute rhyming... Not really graceful, but cute.

Black dragon soars
with a beauty unmatched
a fierceness unheard
with the demon of sky
for the dungeon below What? Not only is this unbalanced with the fist stanza, as it has an extra line, but you failed to rhyme it.

The fire is burning
the clash of claws and gnashing of teeth
Screech!!!! Remind me why you capitalized this but not any other sound effects?
bang!!
whoosh!!!

The battle rages on, <-- COMMA blood spills
that of each dragon
the white streak goes down The white streak goes down? If that's a name, it needs to be capitalized.
the black dragon roars triumphant
but not for long


the gold dragon flies
for love and hope You need to get a word other than love. That's what the white dragon is flying for, apparently.
his glittering scales
Are, are a, are the symbol of all that is right


his fire is green
it sears the old world
brings forth the new one This stanza is extremely choppy, and the rhythm is off. Hard to read.

he sears the black dragon
the black dragon falls to the claws of justice
the gold dragon roars his triumph <-- Overused sentence.
he roars his mourning
to the white and black dragon
life was lost

So, to be honest, I really didn't like this poem.You failed to use GUMS properly, and the stanzas started out fine... With the first one. The first stanza was, to be honest yet again, the only decent stanza in the piece. You should probably review some sites that have poetry tips and lessons in them.

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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; It's about learning to dance in the rain.
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PostSubject: Re: dragons duel   Fri Dec 24, 2010 7:56 pm

I love it! Ryhming, imagry, everything! I can picture this, the battle, the different dragons, everything. The way you describe it is WONDERFUL! Love it girl. Merry Christmas.
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PostSubject: Thanks CHeez and Luv   Sat Dec 25, 2010 5:26 pm

Thanks for your advice Cheez but its not supposed to rhyme or have rhythm or anything at all. Close your head to GUMS and picture it. I dont want anything specifically. If you can't picture that then maybe but other wise that's all I was aiming for. Thanks for your advice though. Sorry ya didn't like it.



Than you Luv I'm glad you got what I was aiming for! Thank you! Love you too and Merry Christmas
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PostSubject: Re: dragons duel   Sat Dec 25, 2010 6:06 pm

Quote :

Arrow said:

Thanks for your advice Cheez but its not supposed to rhyme or have rhythm or anything at all. Close your head to GUMS and picture it. I dont want anything specifically. If you can't picture that then maybe but other wise that's all I was aiming for. Thanks for your advice though. Sorry ya didn't like it.

Close my mind to GUMS? Just because you do it doesn't mean it's what needs to be done by everyone else who writes. Grammar is the most important thing in all writing. Hence the writing part. You have to be consistent if you're going to rhyme or do free form. It started out rhyming, but then it "fizzled." If it can't be consistent, then you need to go back and fix both the areas that screw it up and the grammar. There's always room for improvement, especially in writing.

Imagery is not the most important thing in a poem. You have the imagery down, sort of, but you need to focus on other things, too.

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PostSubject: Re: dragons duel   Sat Dec 25, 2010 8:44 pm

GUMS is important and yes, rhyming should either be or not be at all, but all poems have their own shine, their own polish. Cheez, maybe you could take your mind of GUMS and when you do, you can simply enjoy this poem and it's imagry for what it is-beautiful. Listen to how your heart reads it to you and imagine you're not hear to judge, you're hear to simply read, simply enjoy. Listen to the dieing crys of the white dragons, then hear the loud, powerful roar of justice as the gold dragon comes into view, exclaiming to the world that justice will be served over everything. Watch as the black dragon obeys the call of justice. It's a movie and instead of judjing, enjoy. Love. Listen. It's amazing. Arrow, this is truly yours.
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PostSubject: Re: dragons duel   Sat Dec 25, 2010 11:13 pm

Luv, the whole purpose of the site is to critique and improve your writing.

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PostSubject: Re: dragons duel   Sun Dec 26, 2010 12:25 am

Yeah, I get that. But what about encouraging? What about inpsiring? Sometimes GUMS don't matter. My seventh grade language arts teacher, Mr. H, said that once you get into it, GUMS don't matter. Please think about that. This is a work of art that makes its own rules. We all make our own rules when it comes to our poems and our writing pieces. Sometimes they form to the natural standard. Sometimes they don't. And this one doesn't, but we shouldn't care about that. It's good and that's all that matters. At least that's what I think.
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PostSubject: THANKS   Mon Dec 27, 2010 1:33 am

Oooooh! Guys don't fight. Your both right. I prefer to think of it as a mind picture but at the same time Cheez is correct. I became a wonderland wanderer to improve my work so G.U.M.S and my poem may work together ( i mean look at Robert(now dead) Frost). Thank you for seeing and appreciating my point of view Luv. And thank you Cheez for helping me improve my poetry skills.


PS- I might not change it for awhile:) I wanna write something before I get in trouble for being on the computer.
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PostSubject: Re: dragons duel   Mon Dec 27, 2010 4:52 pm

Fine, fine. Treaty Cheez? *holds out hand for handshake*
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