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 Land I Love

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Scarlett Fire

Posts : 14
WL Points : 16113
Join date : 2010-03-02
Age : 28
Location : Australia

PostSubject: Land I Love   Thu Dec 23, 2010 1:01 pm

I wrote this a while ago. And I love it...but I feel it needs, well, something more. It's lacking something, and I'm not sure what.


Land I Love

From snowy mountains to sandy shores,
beautiful meadows to deepest valley floors,
and echoing hills,
in the mighty crashing of the sea
and in the thunder of a thousand hooves.
Hear the roaring desert winds
and that deep resounding echo
of takes half-told.
This is a place of wonder,
a country full of Ancient things.
This is my land, the one I love.
Full of Ancient beauty
and pretty scars.
This is my Australia.
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Posts : 54
WL Points : 17252
Join date : 2010-02-21
Location : South Africa

PostSubject: RE: Land I Love   Thu Dec 23, 2010 1:22 pm

Hey Scar, here to review.

There is a line I feel you should've expounded upon:

Quote :
and pretty scars.

When writing poetry about landscapes, you have to be careful to not list what's amazing. Because i have those things here in Africa too. But I *definetely* do not have any scars and the land. Maybe cracks. And the scars really made me feel that Australia is Australia and not just the next paradise.

On that note, I always think the best way to write a poem that tries to focus itself, is to focus the poem. A sporadic poem sohuld be sporadic. Don't try and list too much detail, the oceans won't kill you for leaving them out. Focus or be sporadic. Being sporadic calls for many verses, so I suggest being focused. Focused on one aspet of Australia's beauty. Whether it's the dryness that somehow fills your souls thirsting, or the drop-bears that maul the face. A good exercise is to imagine you're a hawk. Fly over any place so long as there's plenty. Perhaps a desert? As the hawk flies, glance at everything: the cacti and the flora and fauna... everything. Then focus on a patch of land. And then smaller until your focused on something like a cacti. Then you can write a one stanza poem about that. How it contrasts the dry earth in its succulent. And how it's the only green for miles. Because the reader focuses on the cacti, everything contrasts and inevitably he concentrates on everything else as well without having to pore over thousands of lines. At the moment, your poem is a bit too sporadic in such a short space.

What I loved about the poem beside the line was that it was personal. Anybody reading this should remember that you can always make a poem personal, and Scar has done that. If you want to expound upon the personal...ness, you might want to have more action. No, not necessarily a daughter of Hades son of Poseidon fight (That's a cool idea, we'll have to do it sometime in public). But more personality in the land. Does Australia have desert ghosts? Do the waves seem to isolate you protect you, mark your individuality (as the only country/continent). If God were Australia, who would He be? Get it? This also connects to Tobi's Hetalia story, weirdly enough, but more physical if you know what I mean.

(Something fun to do, but this is just me being nerdy, is compare your diverse landscapes: you have sons of Poseidons on your TWO oceans while at the same time have this mystic, dark, daughter of Hades dry thing going on... am I right?)

Anyway, I like this poem, and I'm going to write one in retaliation, then we can group them all together and call it Wonderland's Hetalia. Thanks for the great read, Scar,
Stay strong,
God bless,

If you ever need a review, feel free to message me.
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