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 Whsipering Winter

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Arrow
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PostSubject: Whsipering Winter   Wed Dec 22, 2010 5:18 pm

Winter whispers
a sad song
to me
on this
frigid
cold
undaunted day

It whispers
loneliness
with it's snowflakes
tickles me with it's frost

Prodding me with it's hail
leaving me to wander

where do you go?
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Luv2Type
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PostSubject: Re: Whsipering Winter   Wed Dec 22, 2010 5:51 pm

Hm. I like it. Winter, something easy to invision. Good job arrow.
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grace1096
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PostSubject: Re: Whsipering Winter   Sun Dec 26, 2010 2:54 pm

This is a nice poem, Arrow! Just a few little mistakes with GUMS you should correct...


Winter whispers
a sad song
to me
on this
frigid
cold
undaunted day <----- Undaunted is not really the word you want to use in this sentence, look up the meaning and you'll see why!
It whispers
loneliness
with it's snowflakes
tickles me with it's frost <------- The first 3 lines in this stanza flow the same as the last 1, yet you have the words all bunched together in the last line. I suggest you just cut this last line off, or put it in the same format as the first 3 lines. Ya know? OH! And maybe let us know a hint about what "it" is. Winter? Wind? BUCKY THE FLYING PENGUIN????
Prodding me with it's hail <------ I don't thing hail 'prods" o person. It is a bit more agressive and painful than a couple pokes. Perhaps a different verb such as pelting, assailing, bombarding, etc.?
leaving me to wander <----- Your final line is a question, which leads me to believe that you may have meant "wonder" in this line and "where did you go" in the final line. Please elaborate on this!

where do you go? <----- What do ya mean by this? Where do you go after winter? After the storm? Or, Where DID you go? Is "you" winter? A friend? The wind? Your mega-hot sexy boyfriend? Smile Please explain...


Other than that, it was not a bad poem! Very calming (except for the part about hail Smile ) You really should read over your work and check the GUMS more carefully before posting, though. As I like to say, "Post once, check 4 billion times!" Hahaha. So ya. I have noticed that problem in many of your posts, actually. So just remember to check thy GUMS, dearie! And thou shalt be prosperous! Wink

***********Oh, and BTW, Luv? That wasn't a critique. It didn't say much about the writing Arrow did, so it doesn't really help her improve or let her know what she is doing right... I got yelled at by our dear administrator Cheez for doing suckish reviews, so I suggest you shape up quick, because it WASN'T fun! Smile

HAHAHA. Great job Arrow! GUMS are your best friend EVAR! Don't forget it! <3
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Luv2Type
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PostSubject: Re: Whsipering Winter   Sun Dec 26, 2010 6:19 pm

I do a have pointer Arrow. You didn't really use any punctuation at the end of perhaps a 'sentence' except at the end. That's a good thing in some areas, but in other places you want to just stop, so you could have used some. I like the different way this one is shaped. Excellent job.
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