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 A Mysterious Visitor

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Posts : 269
WL Points : 18173
Join date : 2010-02-26
Age : 21
Location : Witts End.

PostSubject: A Mysterious Visitor   Sun Dec 05, 2010 6:07 pm

Someone is at the window, calling "Repunzel, Repunzel, let down your hair!" It doesn't sound like Ava, but who else could it be? So I went to the window and threw down my long, bronze curls. I hauled up a very mysterious creature. It looks like a human, but with different features. Perhaps it is cursed? "What are you?" I ask immedatly. "Fair maiden, I have seen day after day on my afternoon ride a woman who comes to this tower and cries out what I have just said. I could bear the mystery of who or what was in this tower no longer. My name is Amor, Amor Carl. Pray tell, what is your name?" I asked again "What are you, Amor?" Amor laughed a most enchanting laugh and said "I am a male, as you are a female, are you not?" He laughed once more, putting me at ease. He was a man, no doubt. I knew what men were, but I did not know what they looked like. "My name is Repunzel. Why else would you have called it from below?" "Ah, Repunzel. A most beautiful name for a beautiful maiden." I liked this. This shower of affection and complements could not match what Ava said to me. Yes, she told me she loved me, but this was different. This was flattery. Ava also said it was called courting, for she claims men have done many a thing to her in the past much like it. It means men think you are beautiful, as Amor has just told me. "You claim you have seen Ava before? But this tower is remote. How could one have seen it but the spike from afar?" "Ava is the woman that visits every day? I come to remote parts of the countryside to escape my father. He pursues me constantly, saying I must pick a fair maiden to wed. I like the ones he brings to our home not, however he will not take no for an answer." He laughed once more, but it seemed burdened, heavy, as if he was thinking to hard and wished never to think again. I remembered what Ava had told me about how she loved having a friend, a duaghter like me to share the burdens of her mind with. "Amor, perhaps you could tell a friend of you troubles, for they might be of a graet help." I hoped that the next time I saw him, he would be much less unburdened. I caught myself on that thought. Next time? I would never see Amor again. "Alas, I have not a soul to confine upon, for my friends have married and moved. I have no one." How sad he must be. "Then confine upon me, new friend. For it is better for one to share burdens with a friend." It was then Amor began to talk. He talked about everything, some happy, some sad. We could have talked for forever, had a bell not chimed. "Oh, Amor, has time gone! Ava will be here within the hour, and you father shall expect you home, else he be worried!" "You have spoken well, Repunzel. I shall levae you, bu await my return on the morrow." He left with those words. Surely I would not hear a word Ava spoke that night, fo my thoughts were with Amor, far away.
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Posts : 54
WL Points : 16387
Join date : 2010-02-21
Location : South Africa

PostSubject: RE: A Mysterious Visitor   Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:59 am

Hey Rachelle. I'm going to review your story for today.

Before I go into content, let me tell you something about format. Beside an awesome story, it's important to have a legible story. That means proper punctuation and proper spelling. Of course, people will tell you that writing doesn't have to be limited to rules. But you can't break what you don't know, right? Firstly, you have perfect spelling and punctuation in this piece and for that I congratulate you. Something I don't congratulate you on is the format of your piece. You've made it a block of text which, against Wonderland's background, is a bit unreadable.

How to fix it
You need to use paragraphs. The main problem in your story is that there is none, this is a dialogue. There is no actual plot which is why it came out as a block. I'll get to that later, but for now think of it this way: A topic = a paragraph. Topics are addressed through ideas which are sentences. Therefore paragraphs are made up of sentences. They are topics addressed through ideas, or paragraphs written as sentences, get it? That's why there's no specific limit to what a paragraph should look like, it's just a topic.

Topics make up a story. And that story is divided into scenes. Each scene is made up of topics (Heavy maths, right? Very Happy) So, you could make it that one scene is Repunzel alone, and then another is with Amor, and then another they're talking about Ava. It's a good way to give out information. And once you do that, nothing seems jumbled anymore, and your piece is easier to read.


It is important to remember for reading sake, that when you write dialogue you need to skip lines. So...
"I'm so awesome," TheNewHero said. "Yes you are," cheezburger replied. "I know." "I know" "Everybody knows" "Except him" "It sucks, right?" "Totally"
^ You lose track of who's saying what, but you can't keep going (TheNewHero said) (cheezburger said) so you skip lines.

"I'm so awesome," TheNewHero said.
"Yes you are," Cheezburger replied.
"I know."
"I know."
"Everybody knows."
"Except him."
"It sucks right?"

^ It's easier to read because you know that every new line means a new speaker. But it's still hard. Now we try and edit what we say to make more sense and soudn mroe realistic.

"I'm so awesome," TheNewHero said.
"Yes you are," cheezburger replied.
"I know."
"Me too."
"Everybody knows!" Hero exclaimed.
"Except him." TheNewHero followed cheez' finger as it pointed at Lumierre.
"It sucks, right?"
"Totally," Hero said, sighing slightly.


Now the content of your story. I understand that you're 13 and maybe you were just going out on a whim for this piece, but you should understand some basic concepts like plot. I'm not asking for you to tell me exactly what style or yada-yada that you used, but I want you to tell me what this piece is about. A full-out synopsis (Maximum of five lines) explaining what happened to who. If you can do that, then I have to strikethrough this piece.

At the moment it doesn't seem like anything has happened beside a meeting, and that meeting was basically dialogue. There's no tension no point. Why should I care that these two have met? What's interesting about them?

Characterization is something you need to understand. Creativity is something only three people in the world have. The rest of us have to recycle ideas and mix them with others. What makes a story is interesting characters. It's what makes Percy Jackson different from The Oddysey, because there are different people. At the moment this doesn't have very 3D characters, meaning they tend to be predictable, even in their speech.

I'm not asking you to totally re-do your piece as it is *your* piece. But consider making them more interesting. A good example is this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBvrIkyfZ2A

It's made to be hilarious but imagine if that was an actual story. It would be fresh, even though it's just recycling the over used princess story. See?


Well, that's all I have to say. Have a great Christmas and remember the Reason for the Season.
God bless,

If you ever need a review, feel free to message me.
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