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 Hope- A shining light

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Posts : 122
WL Points : 18628
Join date : 2010-02-22
Age : 21
Location : Stalking my next prey >:)

PostSubject: Hope- A shining light   Sat Feb 27, 2010 10:31 pm

Impaling the mistiness
of glommy ,loveless life
A starburst of light
shining through clouds
lighting up life
A crack of thunder through
the dark clods
to shake me from the shifting gloom
where I once resided'
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Posts : 4
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Join date : 2010-02-22
Age : 21
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PostSubject: Re: Hope- A shining light   Sun Mar 07, 2010 1:10 am

I really just had some spelling and grammar issues. I'll fix them.

"of glommy ,loveless life"

"glommy," is supposed to be gloomy,?

"the dark clods"

"Clods" should be clouds?

Personally, I thought this had some deep thought, you just need some extra stuff in there! Add some meat. Right now, your poem is like a nice, lean chicken, but it's dry. Find some thick gravy sauce to drizzle on there in a gourmet style. Make the emotions pop out at me. right now, i know 3 things: 1) you're lonely, 2) your life is 'loveless', 3) you're painstakingly sad. So, fix that, and give me a reason to know that. Here's something I turned up after reading your poem. I just thought it would help if you needed something to grow off of. The details are clearly added into the poem and it gives a better ideal.

so, If you need any help or have any questions, just PM me and I'll be happy to get back to you! Very Happy


"Impaling the mistiness
of gloomy, loveless life,
giving a new air to
my painful strife.

A star burst of light
shining through clouds,
lighting up life,
painfully bright.

A crack of thunder through
the dark clouds,
shaking me from the shifting gloom
where I had once resided
in peace and harmonious grace."
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Hope- A shining light
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