The Games: A Hunger Games Fanfic: Part 1

Liza. What an old fashioned name for someone who lives in the Capitol. It’s been passed down through, like, a hundred generations. If I have a daughter, Mom will probably force me to name her ‘Elizabeth’ too. I open my eyes and look around my room. I press a button to open the blinds of the windows and another to order my breakfast: orange juice, a bagel and honey drizzled fruit. My day begins and I shower, getting covered in a bubbly pink foam and massaging the same kind, except as shampoo, into my hair. I decide to skip school. Since my third birthday till my thirteenth I’ve been forced to spend seven hours in school five days a week. This is the beginning of my first full day as a teenager and I have the power to skip school. It’s a luxury I’ve dreamed about. Drying off I happily toss my old school uniform into a specific basket for ruined or disliked clothes. I dress in a cute, bouncy dark blue shirt that hugs my khaki pants just below the belt loops. I put on dark blue wedge heels and curl my dark brown hair. I experiment with command able designs and get golden diamonds running in a line from the end of my short-sleeved shirt to my wrists. I pick out a gold necklace to match the design. The chain in made of gold diamonds running horizontally. The farthest it gets from my neck is the neckline of the shirt, making it fit perfectly with the outfit. Dark blue eye shadow is applied to my lid and gold eyeliner goes from the inside corner of my eyes to the outside one, accenting the blue perfectly. I admire myself in my full-length mirror. I look pretty normal compared to most Capitol people, but still entirely bizarre when I imagine the district people. Oh well, fashion is fashion and I absolutely love my outfit.
“Mom!” I yell, tramping down the stairs.
“Living room!” I hear her yell back and I go into the most comfortable place in the house.
She’s lying on the white couch with a tall glass of cold lemonade in her hand. On our big TV screen they’re playing the highlights of last years game.
“Don’t you remember?” She asks, sensing my presence. “Tomorrow’s the reaping. So in preparation they’re playing last years game. I’ve almost forgotten who won.”
I laugh. Mom never forgets anything. I order a glass of cranberry grape juice and sit in the matching white chair. I watch as the blood bath at the very beginning plays, kills off eight or so, maybe more. The survivors run for shelter, but there are no big woods this year. Everything is miniature. War breaks out, but there is a valley always covered in thick fog that a bunch run to. A few seconds later two of the five kids who ran in come out screaming as birds that were hidden pick at their flesh. A four cannons fire, signaling that four of the ones who ran in are dead. Chucks of their flesh are missing and birds shriek, trying to grab more as the bodies ascend. The birds stop at the edge of the mini forest, successfully having chased their victims back into the war. Two days flash by and the only thing that keeps us entertained is that two people keep going into the fog and try to shoot the birds away. More appear, but after two days of it, the scene gets old. So in the middle of the night the Gamemakers flood the arena. Only a few of the survivors can swim so some drown. All land is whipped away except the Cornucopia, bringing more blood shed as the eight survivors war. Four are left, exhausted, and they sleep on the hard Cornucopia. The next morning they fight again, resulting in the victor. Mom and I cheer and they show everything they filmed about him. Wow. The video has consumed most of the day. Dad comes home from the electricity plant. He’s the man in charge of the biggest electric generator in the whole Capitol. He’s in charge of the electricity in President Snow’s house. And he’s funny and smart, landing me in big parties that go from twelve noon till four in the morning. It’s fun and as he comes in I hug him.
“Tomorrow’s the reaping. We just finished watching last year’s game.”
He nods, smiles, kisses Mom’s cheek and goes upstairs.
“What’s wrong with him?”
“He doesn’t like the reaping.” She responds as if it’s normal. “He thinks it should be only ages fourteen to eighteen, now twelve to eighteen. And he thinks that it’s not fair that some can’t swim and some can.”
I nod. These things I sometimes feel myself. Some things are just based upon where the tributes are from, so that shouldn’t be against them. But there’s always something against some in The Hunger Games. It just works that way.

I think that you'rea great writer in general, Luv, and you did a really great job with this new type of fiction. However, you do have some typo's. An example is that you put 'Chucks of their flesh are missing..' I think that was supposed to be 'chunks' which made it a bit confusing to read. Plus, the beginning wasn't really that hooking, but for your first time at writing a fanfic, it was really good. The beginning was a bit too, detalied or something. I can't quite pinpoint it, but it wasn't quite right. I hope his helps! Please don't take my critisim to hard, i just want you to be as great as you can be! Keep up the good writing!
-Rachelle41

Heyy! There were a few typos here and there.
“He thinks it should be only ages fourteen to eighteen, now twelve to eighteen. And he thinks that it’s not fair that some can’t swim and some can.” I think 'now' was supposed to be 'not', and 'a four cannons fire, signaling that four of the ones who ran in are dead.'
That was a really good fanfic! I love it! I think you could write a great Hunger Games fanfic, even though how hard I try I will commit and epic fail.
XD I like the your choice of name for Elizabeth (not just cause it's my middle name) since they have those weird names like Glimmer. The words were nicely selected, making a clear picture in my head. I couldn't understand half of the words in the original book. I want you to keep writing!!
~Nikki

I noticed quite a few flaws in this. The first- She's living in the capitol? What? Katniss didn't start out like that. And there were some grammatical flaws. Plus, it moved rather fast. you need to slow it down. I know you're excited, but seriously. You should have started out two days before the reaping. Just so we can get to know this kid and who she likes, who she admires, et cetera. Plus, you never told us what the reaping was. That's like, the most important detail.

Ah, yes, I remember reading this! I was just kinda skimming, and then I realized I already read it. 'Cause, hello, Hunger Games fanfiction! It's rare. And you guys usually aren't that into fanfiction. Oh, and Cheez, she doesn't have to start out in one of the Districts. It's far easier to write for a District girl than it is to write a Capitol girl, so I admire her for the mere effort. Though, Luv, you need to get more into her mindset. I doubt she'll just randomly start thinking about Districts while trying on her outfit...More like contemplating what her fashion rival will be wearing, and perhaps trying to defeat her in any way possible...Sorry, random idea.

Well, you're alredy pretty much edited for grammar by these lovely people, so there isn't much for me to do~! But I do like it, and I think fanfiction is a great form of writing. It's very entertaining to see characters we all know and love interact in a new way, and, if you have an OC (original character) as a main character, we get to see how they affect the other characters.

~Tobi~